I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
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