turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
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