That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
Randomize
