you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
Bought asot tix too. After Saturday I'm gonna be reborn like Jesus and no drugs until edc
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
