Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
Randomize
