My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
So i've def seen the girl running for student body VP getting fingered in a bar.
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
Randomize
