This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
she's just sitting in a corner ripping all of the filters off her menthols
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
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