My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
I boned her and wore a Freddy mask once. It was pretty lol
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
I'm pretty sure that waking up butt ass naked with a bottle of 151 and a note that said "I didn't want to wake you up, but thanks" proves I had a good time....god bless America
Randomize
