I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Randomize
