So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
That's a lot of people she's fucked in one picture.
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
i have two papers due tomorrow. contemplating if i should take adderall in my anus for full effects
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
