I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
Totally passed out on the dealers bed after paying him all in ones so no, i dont think i'll be getting a discount soon.
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
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