I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
After he told me that it's up to him to carry on his family name, I almost felt bad for not letting him cum inside me.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
Randomize
