I think scott just propositioned me for sex
Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
Randomize