she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
Going to a jewelry store high is not a good idea. I look like mr.t's wife.
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
Randomize
