Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
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