dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
Did I show you my penis last night?
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
Randomize
