I just took a girl with a hip brace and crutches on a date. she obviously can't bone. is it rude to demand a blowjob?
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
Randomize