hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
Am I the only one who finds it completely appropriate to pre-game our Brazilians?
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
