ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
