I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
Randomize
