true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
Randomize
