I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
Ps I think male models just broke down outside or maybe gay German sex travelers
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
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