I wanna do crazy things to you in a tent
fuckk wrong person
.. who was that for? a girlscout?
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
Randomize