And my dad told him he was a great looking guy. and then added "no homo" after.
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
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