It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
We had to coat check the pizza.
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
Randomize
