I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
you were convinced campus grass and foliage would give you your daily serving of vegetables to balance out the amount of alcohol you drank.
I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
Randomize
