Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
Drunk is not a location!
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
Randomize
