he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
Shitshow foam night was such a success
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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