tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
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