i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
Randomize
