i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
Randomize
