Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
Randomize
