She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
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