First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
Just because you are home alone for the weekend doesn't mean you can act like a nudist.
I accept your opinion but respectfully disagree. Also, I'm sitting in your chair.
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