Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
Does hooking up with the gay pledge count as hazing?
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
