Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
so when am I gonna get some from you?
when you dick grows 3 inches
Working on an important paper into the wee hours of the morning, and every time I type the word "situation," I can't help but think of effing Jersey Shore. Those guidos are now ruining my academic life.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
Randomize
