I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
Randomize
