Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
Randomize
