Saw a Delta Zeta recruitment poster today. On it, somebody added, "All you need is your daddy's credit card and a lack of self-respect."
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
If I don't throw up the day I graduate i'll feel like the last 4 years and thousands of dollars spent on alcohol will have been wasted.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
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