i think the fact that he graduated high school the year i graduated elementary school is sexy.
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
Randomize
