based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
