uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
Randomize
