I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
Randomize
