I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
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