who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
Nothing wrong with a few meaningless hookups. Keeps the mind occupied and the body satisfied
Watching Supernatural does more for me sexually than the physical encounters with 90% of the men in my life.
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
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