At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
There's something about a foam party that makes freshman want to turn their lives into full blown shit shows. And I'm ok with the fact I am one of those.
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
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