I think I died a long time ago.
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
Lol I wish they went straight to your cock then shot out into my mouth like a cock nacho dispenser
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
Randomize