Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
Having him eat chocolate out of you is not as romantic as it sounds. I'm still finding pieces.
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
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