i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
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