Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
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