That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
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