Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
if you don't let us come over today i'm not taking the second plan b pill. your call.
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
Did he at least walk u home
He offered. I dont like that shit. I want his dick not his presence on my walk home
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
