Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
All I heard was "You have collect call from Lafayette Parish Jail for Dude it was awesome! I'll tell you about it later!"
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
