ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
Randomize
