She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
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