Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
Its not christmas eve unless I give him head. I wont take no for an answer
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize
