Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
The old saying is "its not the size of the boat-- but the motion of the ocean" is obviously for those on the "Small side." I am of the belief that "You can't churn butter with a toothpick"
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
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