The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
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